Family Values

BY STEVE TREASH

II Samuel 13-18

ACCORDING TO A recent study, some 70% of the marriages in America end in divorce, two-thirds of the children born in the U.S. are born outside of the traditional two-parent family, and over 90% of American families are dysfunctional. So pervasive is this family breakdown that even politicians have lately seen fit to bandy family values about in this election year.

What are family values? What keeps families together? What are the principles that render families positive environments? Different people, it seems, have different answers.

In the midst of all this confusion, we hear from the Bible the heart-wrenching scream of a father. The father is King David, and his scream is recorded in II Samuel 18:33:

The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of youO Absalom, my son, my son!"
David was lamenting the tragic death of his son. That death was especially sad because it came in a war fought between David and Absalom. Father and son actually battled each other to death.

The king's pain and fear did not flair up all at once. It was the outgrowth of developments that unfolded over a period of many years. During that period, David sacrificed at least four basic family values.

In this message, I'm going to use King David as a negative example. But this is not a negative message.
Rather, I hope that from David's example we'll discover from the word of God what family values really are, and then positively reaffirm them together.

CASE HISTORYACT I

The enmity between David and his son Absalom goes back to a significant event recorded in II Samuel 13:1,2:
In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.
You see, David has several wives, and therefore his children are from several different mothers. Here, we see this rather sick situation where the son of one wife falls in love with the daughter of another wife, and then lusts after that half-sister.

Upon the advice of a friend, Amnon pretends that he is sick and asks his father to let Tamar come and care for him. David agrees. And when Amnon has Tamar alone in his room, he rapes her.

After having been manipulated into this awful situation, how did David respond to this? We read in verse 21, "he was furious." That's the full extent of his reaction! Nothing in the scripture indicates that he did anything else.

Meanwhile, we read in verse 22: "Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated
Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar." Two years later, to avenge his sister, Absalom has Amnon killed.

Value #1: Fidelity

Significantly, these tragic events can be traced directly to David's disregard for two basic family values. The first is fidelity. He has multiple wives. And because of that, the son of one wife attacks the daughter of another.

In fact, the context for Chapter 13 is found in Chapter 12. There, the prophet Nathan comes before David and says, "You know, a very rich man in the kingdom has robbed a poor man of the only small little pet lamb that the poor man had." David asks, "Who in my kingdom would do such a despicable thing?" Nathan points his finger at him and says, "You are the man."

Perhaps the Spirit of God is saying to some of us: "You are the man. You are the woman." Have you perhaps been thinking about adultery, if not actually engaging in it?

Remember, family values start with fidelity. They start with faithfulness to the marriage vows that we make. God declares in Hebrews 13:4, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

In today's moral crisis, the best way for us to instill this important family value to our children is to let them see their father and mother faithfully loving each other. Let them learn that, despite occasional conflicts and disagreements, two God-fearing people can indeed be happily married as long as they shall live.

Value #2: Discipline

The second family value that David sacrificed is discipline. True, he was furious with Amnon. But he did nothing to discipline him. Why didn't David discipline Amnon? Perhaps it's because he felt his own family life was undisciplined. He had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

We have the same problem today. So many parents have flaunted the traditional moral values that they have effectively disqualified themselves from disciplining their children. If anything, they have contributed to their misbehavior. You see, if we do not discipline ourselves as parents, our children are liable to follow our examples, committing the same mistakes and having the same flaws in character.

Misguided fear. Perhaps David did not discipline Amnon also because he was afraid to alienate his son. Perhaps he thought that by being tolerant, he would be more popular with all his children.

Isn't that a problem with many parents today, especially those who have unmet needs of love and acceptance in their lives? They are reluctant to discipline their children because they are afraid that it may cause the children to dislike them. They seek to win their affection by being permissive or by showering them with material things.

The truth is, discipline is that which earns us respect. God says in Hebrews 12:9, "we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it." Discipline, you see, does not drive children away; it causes them to look up to the parents.

The Bible further says, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him" (Prov. 13:24). If we love our children, we will discipline them. Of course, we must always remember to discipline in love, never punish in anger.

CASE HISTORYACT II

Let's go back to the story. We're now at the end of II Samuel 13 and we are going to find David sacrificing two other family values.

After Absalom has killed his brother, he flees to the country where his mother came from, and stays there three years.

Meanwhile, we read in the last verse of Chapter 13, "And the spirit of the king longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon's death." In other words, after David has gotten over Amnon's death, he longs deep in his heart to be reunited with Absalom.

In Chapter 14, we find Joab, a close aide of King David, doing something to correct the situation. Knowing that the king longs badly for his son, he arranges to have a wise woman come and tell the king a story demonstrating how foolish David has been in keeping his son in banishment.

In essence, she tells the king that life is too short for him to waste whatever time he has for loving his son. Once a person dies, it will be too late to show any love for him. Touched by that argument, David sends Joab off to bring Absalom back to Jerusalem.

But then, we read these sad words in verse 24: "But the king said, 'This son of mine must go to his own house; he must not see my face.' So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king."

After having lived in Jerusalem for two long years without seeing David, Absalom begins to beg for an audience with his father. He says to Joab in verse 32, "Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me if I were still there! Now then, I want to see the king's face, and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death."

We then read in the next verse: "So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom."

You may have seen on the evening news that when two Mid-East leaders meet, they don't shake hands; they give each other a kiss. That's how people in that part of the world formally greet each other. What verse 33 is describing, therefore, is a father-and-son meeting that is very formal, very curt. No words. No communication of any kind.

That frosty encounter, we find in Chapter 15, leads to a political rebellion. Snubbed by his father, Absalom begins a campaign to win the hearts of the people from his own father. Then, he and several of his friends start a conspiracy against David. And a war ensues.

It is in that war that Absalom is killed. And it is in response to the news of his death that David cries, "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom!" Sincere though it obviously is, that expression of paternal love comes too late. The son has died.
 

Isn't that a problem with many parents today, especially those who have unmet needs of 

Value #3: Time together

In this section, we find David sacrificing two more family values. First, he didn't make time for Absalom. Perhaps David is too busy running the kingdom, too busy managing affairs of the state. Whatever the reason, he doesn't see fit to spend time with Absalomeven though his heart has longed for his son.

That's a common problem with many parents today. We work hard; we're busy managing our business or professional affairs. On top of that, we participate actively in all kinds of extracurricular activities. But when it comes to our own family members, we somehow just don't have any time to spare.

Nevertheless, God has given us the responsibility of shaping the life of our children. He has commanded us to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4), and to train them up in the way they should go (Prov. 22:6). To train and bring up our children requires spending quality time with them.

Besides, children need the love of their parents. There's a love language that each one of us has. And this, I believe, is the number one love language of a child: "Show me that you love me by spending time with me. You can give me all the things in the world, you can send me to the best school, but none of that can take the place of your showing an interest in me by doing things with me."

Well, that's a family value that David sacrificed.

Value #4: Communication

The last family value that David sacrificed is communication. Since the king has longed to be with Absalom, he has evidently forgiven the son. But when Absalom finally comes and bows down before him, he greets him merely with a ceremonial kiss. He neither does or says anything else.

This man could slay a giant with a pebble, this man could conquer nations and rule a kingdom, but this man couldn't muster some words of forgiveness, some words of love and encouragement for his own child.

Contrast this cold encounter with the way the prodigal son is greeted by his father. Like Absalom, that son has sinned badly but has also decided to come home in repentance. Now notice what Jesus says as He tells the parable in Luke 15:20:

So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
That, of course, is a picture of how God greets us sinners when we come back to Him in repentance. But it also teaches that parents should express their love and compassion for their children both in deeds and in words.

This family value of communication is also wanting in most American homes these days. We really need to communicate approval, communicate compassion, communicate acceptance to our children.

Now, of course, you sons and daughters should express your thoughts and feelings to your folks as well. Sharing with one another is the catalyst that cements a family together.

SUMMARY

We have seen that King David sacrificed at least four important family valuesfidelity, discipline, time together, and communication. The result was a series of disastrous tragedies. By the grace of God, let's not make the same mistake. May we steadfastly put these principles that God has laid down in the scripture to work in our homes.

In this era of family crisis, the wrong does seem oft so strong, as the hymn says. But in Christ, victory is ours. Let's build families that are whole and wholesome by keeping our marriage pure, by exercising discipline in our homes, by spending time with one another and by communicating with one another.

Let's do it now, not someday. For when any one of our family members dies, it will be too late to cry out as David did, "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom!" o

Rev. Stephen A. Treash is the Assistant Pastor of Black Rock Congregational Church, 3685 Black Rock Turnpike, Fairfield, CT 06430.

Back To Top

Back To Previous Page