The Christian Marriage
BY KEN D. TRIVETTE
We are living through a period of historic change in family life. As a recent article in Newsweek puts it, the American family, as we knew it, no longer exists. Rather, we now have families of diverse styles and shapes. Among them: mothers working while fathers keep house, fathers and mothers both working away from the children, single parents, unwed couples, and homosexual and lesbian parents.I Corinthians 7:1-5 The Christian family is no exception. Divorce among believers has been climbing at alarming rates. Even more tragic, church leaders are not excluded. A recent Hartford Seminary survey found that among Protestant clergies the divorce rate was as high as 20%.
The problem is, we have ignored the domestic theology that God has set forth in I Corinthians 7. Let's examine just the first five verses as they address specifically to married people.
I. Gratification from marriage.
The chapter begins by declaring that God's design for marriage is that of a fulfilling and satisfying relationship. Among other blessings, it is to meet certain needs in a man and woman; it is to provide physical and sexual satisfaction and gratification.Pre-marital advice. We read in the first verse:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.The word "touch" there does not mean the total absence of contact. Rather, it refers to intimate touching, the kind that stimulates, leads to and results in sexual relations. In short, God is simply saying that there are to be no sexual relations between unmarried people.Verse 2 then gives a key reason for the marriage relationship:
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.God is teaching there that sexual needs between a man and woman is to be fulfilled strictly within the marriage relationship. Virtually every man and woman has sexual desires and it is helpful to understand that there is nothing wrong with those desires. They are God given. What is wrong is the satisfying of those desires outside the marriage relationship.The Scriptures are very clear in this area. There is to be no sexual intimacy apart from marriage. That applies not only to young singles, but divorced people, or any situation where the two are not married. Any sex between a man and a woman outside of marriage is a violation of God's command.
Along this line, God also says in I Corinthians 6:18, "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." And in Ephesians 5:3, "But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints."
Post-marital advice. God goes on to teach in the next three verses that sexual needs are to be fulfilled within a marriage. Verse 3 reads:
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.The word "due benevolence" literally describes a debt owed. The debt as indicated by the context is the fulfilling of the marriage partner's physical and sexual needs. The word "render" is a command, not merely a recommendation. A marriage is commanded by God to be a satisfying and gratifying relationship. The husband and wife are commanded to fulfill one others needs. Being in the present tense, that word means that the debt is never paid. It is always owed.On this subject, James Merritt writes: "The problem in many marriages today is the husband and wife are behind in paymentsThe bonds of matrimony will surely go into default when the interest is not kept up."
Mutual ownership. God then tells us in verse 4:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.There is no question that when you marry, you gain something. You gain a wife or a husband. But in marriage, you also lose something. You lose power of your own body. The word "power" refers to one's rights. We live in a day when everyone talks about their rights. In marriage both the husband and wife give up their
rights to their own bodies. Instead, the husband has the right to the wife's body; and the wife, the husband's body.In other words, in marriage the husband no longer makes his personal satisfaction the priority. He is to first and foremost be concerned about using his body to meet his wife's sexual needs. Likewise, the wife is to be concerned about using her body to satisfy her husband's sexual needs. The result is that both are fulfilling and fulfilled.
Deprive not. In verse 5, we read:
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a timeThe word "defraud" means to "deprive, or keep back." The marriage partner's sexual needs are to be continually met. The husband is not to deprive the wife of having her needs met. Likewise, the wife is not to deprive her husband from his needs being met. The only exception is when they have consented to a time of fasting and prayer. Even then, it is to be only for a short time.When the needs of the marriage partner are neglected, the one whose needs have not been met is vulnerable to great temptation. Many a married person has succumbed to adultery because his or her needs were not met at home. So many times, a couple has broken up because one or both of them are not getting the affection they need in the marriage bed.
Sexual intimacies are to be a constant part of the marital union. Marriage without sex is not only unnatural, but is expressly forbidden. The sexual fulfillment of your partner's needs is never to be ignored, neglected or withheld. To move out of the bedroom is a definite step in the direction of the courtroom. Sexual love is a beautiful tool to build with, not a weapon to fight with. To refuse each other is to commit robbery.
II. Consecration in a marriage.
Verse 5 goes on to describe a marriage that is deeply committed to God, a marriage in which spiritual matters are important.Spiritual devotion. Explaining the exception when a couple may refrain from intimacy, the verse continues, "that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer". A couple giving themselves to fasting and prayer is a couple serious about the things of God. In this context, the underlying idea is the abstaining of certain things that fulfill physical desires so that certain spiritual desires may be met.
What a blessing to see a husband and wife completely yielded to the Lord and serving God together. Besides growing closer to each other, one sure way for a couple to build a strong marriage is for both husband and wife to grow closer to the Lord.
There is an old castle in England, so old that one of its towers dated back to the days of King John. One morning, a guest went down to breakfast and found the young owner of the castle and his family and servants assembled for morning prayer. As the visitor lifted his eyes, he noticed high overhead a massive beam that spanned the grand, old hall and bore in old English the following inscription:
That House shall be preserved and never shall decay,The greatest of all defenses against marriage problems is putting God first in a marriage. Since God is the Creator of marriage, it is folly to leave Him out of it. Having a Christian home does not defend the marriage from problems, but it gives the ultimate resource for solving them.Where the Almighty God is worshipped day by day.
Mutual agreement. Going back to verse 5, we read in the first half again, "Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent."
The time in which a couple refrains from physical and sexual relationships for the purpose of prayer and fasting is to be by "consent." It suggests that the matter has been discussed by the husband and wife and agreed upon. They are in one accord with the idea and have consented to do so.
How sad it is that many a husband and wife unilaterally take actions without consulting the mate. True, the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. But when a decision that affects the marriage relationship is made, it still should be mutually agreed upon beforehand.
I know of many couples who find it awkward to pray together about some matter, or spend time together reading and studying the Word of God. That's not right. Spiritual matters ought to be a natural part of a couple's life. Christ must live in both hearts, and spiritual matters ought to be enjoyed together as husband and wife.
Spiritual matters are by far the greatest subject a couple could share. We all have seen the bumper sticker, "The family that prays together stays together." The couple that learns to discuss and share the wonderful things of God develops a powerful bond for a lasting marriage. A couple that wants to make each other a priority must make Christ preeminent.
III. Temptations aimed at marriages.
Verse 5 ends with this warning: "that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." The situation under consideration is that of a husband and wife being apart physically and sexually for a long period of time. God tells us that such a long separation provides an opportunity for Satan to tempt either the husband or wife to be unfaithful.Satan is always seeking to create problems in a marriage. He is always standing in the shadows waiting for an opportunity to get his foot in the door. His ultimate goal is the destruction of that marriage. There is hardly any doubt that the sorry state of the American family can be traced directly to the vicious attack of the devil. Here's how he creates problems in a marriage.
Distraction. When a couple stands at the wedding altar, they have a deep and strong affection for each other. It is that intense love that has brought them to the hour of matrimony. It is their love for each other that makes them willingly vow to live the rest of their lives together. Although the ecstasy of being in love may fade, their affection for each other and their interdependence of each other should actually grow as they spend their years together. Such a strengthening love provides a defense against any future separation.
It is the love between a couple that Satan targets his attacks. Satan knows that if a couple's love grows cold, the bond that keeps their marriage together is weakened. For unbelieving couples, he can easily bring about such a deterioration in that love, because they are under his rule. Not only is he a master at convincing a marriage partner that he or she does not love his mate anymore, he can even get one or both of them to question whether they ever loved each other in the first place.
Thankfully, Satan cannot make believers think that way, because they are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. But he can still use people and things of the world to tempt one or both members of a Christian couple. By distracting their affections to third parties, he can cause their love for each other to grow cold.
Division. The ultimate goal of Satan's attack on a marriage is to see the couple divide and divorce. After he has caused a couple's love to grow cold, he uses the same kind of weapons to induce that couple to seek separation from each other. He brings physical attractions and worldly pleasures to draw married people from their mates. And he uses ungodly people to encourage them to seek divorces, arguing that the warnings against divorce in the scriptures are not for today, but for a culture of ancient times.
Conclusion
The Bible flatly says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Gen. 2:24); "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder (Mark 10:9); and "Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Eph. 5:24,25).Because these scriptures mean nothing to the unregenerated, there is no marriage in the world that is divorce proof. Just as Eve was deceived by Satan, couples are being deceived by the devil into believing that there is nothing wrong in breaking the marriage vow and that God doesn't mean what He says in the Bible.
But this should not happen to Christian marriages. Christian couples have all the resources to build a happy and lasting relationship. They have the love of God shed abroad in their hearts, they have the Holy Spirit living in them to help them walk with God, and they have the Word of God to guide them. As they live out their marriage life in obedience to the word of God, especially these first five verses of I Corinthians 7, their marriage relationship can be and will be gratifying to themselves and glorifying to God. o
Rev. Ken D. Trivette is Pastor of Temple Baptist Church, 3204 Clio Avenue, Chattanooga, TN, 37407.